Break stuff

I want to break stuff. I want to smash glass. I want to break windows. I want to break everything I ever gave him that may still be sitting in his apartment. I hate him for not being decent enough to respond about giving me back my stuff. Okay, so I can forgo my stuff...he's got some kick-ass records of mine...and he's so selfish he's probably not going to respond to me just so he can keep them. pussy.

However...he left two guns at my house. guns. shotgun and a rifle. I've got a daughter and a nephew that live in my house. I want the guns out. O.U.T.

I want so bad to just call him and say "Saturday, come and get these guns....bring my records and $$$ or I'm throwing your shit out and taking the guns to the p.d.". I want to do that so bad....but I won't. I will resist. Because I'm angry. You should never do anything while you're angry. I'm not being a pussy or nice about it...like "well, do I really want to destroy his things..he might get mad"...uh no! I could give a shit how he feels. I could give less than a shit.

breathe.

55 more days. no contact with him (giving or receiving) for 55 more days. tick tock tick tock.

I'm in serious "he-tox" right now. I hate it. I hate him. I'm so mad. Plus I'm getting sick and that's not helping. I'm irrational. I should've called in sick...but then what? lay around my room and think evil thoughts? no. not good.

patience. learning patience. maturity.

Healing:


okay. So I'm better. I've read Amiira and Greg's new book, I've talked with my friends, and learned a few things.

Epiphany: he didn't want to work hard at a job, he was always looking for the easy solution, he didn't take responsibility for anything, so why am I surprised he gave up on this relationship so quickly? I guess I'm not. I realize, he really did do me a favor.

Tony Robbins says: surround yourself with people at your own level or above you that you admire and aspire to be like and learn from.

He was not one of those people, unless I aspire to be lazy, sick, broke and stoned all the time.

I will waste no more time or tears feeling sad. I'm free now to move on to better things.

I'm kick-ass!

The Breakup


the man i wrote about that I love so much....doesn't want to be with me anymore. I'm hearbroken. Detstroyed. Devastated.

Out of nowhere...no warning.

He promised me when he moved to LA nothing would change because he loves me...that was a mere 1.5 months ago.

Says he loves me and the breakup is in my best interest...that I deserve someone who can give me the things I need, the time to devote to a real relationship....WHAT? Thanks but don't tell me what I need. I want you. It was working fine for me. It's you, not me.

Friday night: I'll come over after work, we can go out to dinner, I love you.
Saturday: I've been thinking about this for awhile, the relationship isn't working.

omg. I wanted to die. I haven't felt this much pain in almost a decade.

It still hurts. I know it will get better. but I miss him and I still love him.....I just want it all to go away now.....

I can't express enough how much I love my boyfriend. I love everything about him. He's sweet....attentive ..... and super hot....and he loves me!!! he...loves...me! That's crazy and fabulous! Oh God...I can't get enough of him.

I'm super sensitive today. Not sure why. I miss my boyfriend. Had a bad dream last night about him, he dumped me for some cute young chicks...yes that was plural.
No, I don't fear that happening, I trust him, which is why I don't know I dreamt that.
I don't fear anything, really... shit happens whether you want it to or not, so I take things as they come and deal with them then.
I haven't been sleeping well. Not sure why? Well maybe I am...my sister's finally going to marry the man of her dreams...my nephews dad. Thank God! So I'm happy about that, but I think subconciously stressed about "what's going to happen to me?". We've lived together for 5 years and share a lot of things...I'll be on my own...its scary...even for being 36, its scary.
My mom is going to sell her house..the house I grew up in. She's going to move away to Washington or something for a while. Home-base gone. That's scary. I sound like a teenager about to go out on my own...but I'm not. I'm almost 40 for Christ's sake. (sidebar-I still look gooood)
My daughter is finally becoming able to speak her mind about her absent father. We had a huuuge long emotional discussion last night about him. She impressed me with her conversation. Aware he's not responsible enough to take care of her, aware she doesn't really want him here she just misses not having a dad, aware enough that she doesn't want to call him even though she knows now that i have his number. She's smart. She's telling me how she sticks up for herself when other kids at school question/tease her about not having a dad. (Kids are cruel...I used to be one)
Its all so draining.

I'm Gemini...I have a hard time accepting change, especially when it happens so quickly.

So I'm weeping on the way to work just filled with so much joy about my sister!
So I'm angry that my kid feels she's missing out on something by not having a dad.
So I'm emotional and semi-jealous cuz the lesbians who live below my boyfriend get to spend more time with him than I do. (trust me, not jealous of them...just the time they get with my man)

So I've written this all down.
I've expelled. I feel a bit better.
Someone will read it and maybe relate to it, if not...at least someone knows what I'm feeling.

peace out.

I've been reading other peoples' blogs and I've come to a realization...I'm not a good blogger. I guess I don't have a real passion for writing. I don't have any personal drama happening. I feel terrible about what's happening in the Gulf Port..but others have already written and said what I have to say.
Does anybody read this anyway? Its like writing into empty space.
I have opinions but do you care?
I have thoughts but do you care?
I have dreams but do you care?

What's the point really?
I do like to comment on others' blogs, they KNOW how to write.

Am I bored with myself?