Oh the Holidays!

4 days off for Thanksgiving.
A festival of shopping, eating, drinking, movies, and cleaning for the next round of holiday festivities.

11 days off for Christmas/New Years.
I can't wait!
Oh the Christmas lights, the smell of logs on the fire, crisp air, snowball fights in Santa Ana next Sunday, aroma of pine from our real tree, the sound of tape snapping as I'm wrapping presents at 1am on Christmas eve....oh the good times that are going to be had.

The Fact Is:

I like to smoke.
I just cut back to 2 a day, and that's 2 as in 2 sticks, not packs.
Big deal, cutting back from 4 to 2....wow, what a smoker.
yahoo!

12:08 pm PST

Thursday:

why does my chest hurt? wtf?
it would figure that I would stop smoking, THEN have a heart attack or get the cancer or some shit.

you know it.

9:37 am PST

Captains Log: Thursday.

2 cups of coffee
peanut butter on wheat sandwich
no smoking
trail mix to come
have already spent too much money in past 3 days.
must slow down.
need things to do.

Day 3

No big deal so far, as long as I have healthy snacks and water.
Daughter hasn't noticed yet.
I've done extensive shopping.
I will color my hair.
I burned my tongue on hot coffee.
I bit my my cheek.
I feel as if I have A.D.D.

where's my trail mix?
:)

Quitter

I will quit smoking.
As of today, no more buying packs or smoking alone at home cuz I'm bored.

I can already feel the overwhelming preoccupation....

True it's early, but I'm loving today!


It's friday. I've decided to not worry about anything. It's a beautiful day, sunny with white puffy clouds, crips breezes. I have a fun delicious dinner planned with two of my best friends. Fondue away~
...okay, boss just walked in...thought he was out today...*breathe*, it's okay, it's not going to bother me. Just look across the aisle, through the office I should be in, out the window at the beautiful sky...think about the tasty cuisine tonight, the ever-so-delicious carmel/appletini's...aaaaaand...I'm at peace.

So it's Wednesday

and I'm a bundle of mixed emotions.

I'm really excited for the holidays. I'm preparing things early. Planning. Buying early. Feels good.
Job is good. Secure. I might actually get an office soon. One manager suggested it to my boss, and he said 'uh, yeah we could do that'. so maybe.

Now I'm also living in fear, and I don't like that. I'm not in fear of my life or anything but I live in constant fear of my living situation.
My sister is going to get married next year and will move out. There goes that security.
My fab friend and roommate says she's not going anywhere and that's a comfort, but she will want to start her life (babies and whatnot) soon, and that's awesome, and then she'll leave.

I fear I won't get the additional roommates I want to move in because of timing issues.

I don't like being afraid of moving. I hate moving. I love where I live. I can't afford to live in my own place. It's too expensive out here and I'm raising a kid alone with no financial help and it scares me. I know a million people do it, but I don't know how.
I know the universe has its own way of working and I know that worrying does nobody any good because what's going to happen will happen regardless. I know that every unexpected change is a new adventure and shouldn't be feared because its not always a bad thing.
I'm rambling.

bottom line: I don't want to move. I can't afford to live anywhere else. I wouldn't know any other people to move in and who's to say the landlords would even let them.
I know I would never end up on the street, my family would never let that happen, then again...I don't want to have to depend on anyone else...but I do...and damnit I fucking hate that.

*sigh*

its stressful.

I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I knew my mom wasn't planning on selling her house.

It's just Tuesday, man.


i've got the vertigo today. what the hell?

My Pessimism: nothing special today except the reminder that Christmas is right around the corner and I've got to squeeze another cost-efficient holiday out of my pocket.
okay, so i can make my candy again, the people do looove the candy, but with the cost of the ingredients and my time, it pretty much evens out to everyone getting damn plasma tv.
all right, so I may be a bit dramatic on that one.
Truth is, i'm a terrible gift giver. I've resorted to just having people tell me what you want, because if I have to use my own judgement...i will fail.
Dad doesn't really need a flowered frame. Mom doesn't need another pair of slippers. Sister doesn't need a sparkly blue belt with stars cut out.
Just tell me what you want, if I can afford it, you'll get it...otherwise its the candy for you, matey! yaaaar!

Optimism: its a time of giving and I like to give, I want to give the best, I want to give something people will appreciate. Everyone appreciates Victoria Secret.

Happiness is drinking Melon Splash wine coolers while sitting by the fire in the fireplace watching Survivor. aaaah....winter.

well, that was a bunch of crap rambling, wasn't it? word up!

i'm dizzy