Welcome to your life

2008-09-19T16:14:00.000-07:00

I feel like its been a hundred years since I've written anything. Apparently its been a year. And I have absolutely no idea as to what secrets I was keeping a year ago. Goes to show you, that I'm a good secret keeper because, well, I can't remember anything.

2007-07-03T12:36:00.000-07:00

It's another Tuesday

Secrets oh man, the secrets. Hope someone cracks soon so I can let these babies fly!

20 year high school reunion is right around the corner. Next weekend. How did that happen? Wasn't it just 3 years away? Wasn't I younger then? Crap. What am I gonna do with these people? I'm gonna drink that's what I'm gonna do. I predict I'll be there in my cute black party dress and leopard shoes (yeah, that's how I roll), vodka in one hand, smoke in the other just staring... I expect to hear "Omg you haven't changed at all!" uh yea I have. Or I expect to hear this " *crickets*".
Why do we go to these things? What's the point? Didn't I leave this high school due to the year of torment I went through? Why am I going? What do I have to prove? *Sigh*
I'm going because I'm a positive person. I'm outgoing. I'm ready to party. I have great friends that I am dying to see again! Depsite the humiliation of high school...I turned ok. yeah, about 20lbs heavier, but I'm tall...and my dress covers up the extra goodies!
I really am looking forward to it. The best part? Yeah, the best part is the hotel it's at is literally one block away from my house so I can always walk home! Rock it!

2007-07-02T14:36:00.000-07:00

Torture

it's torturous when people tell you secrets that you absolutely MUST keep a secret. I'm sitting on some doozies that I'm sworn to not tell. Can't write about them. Not even allowed to really think hard about them for fear the molecules will emit out of my brain and transfer to another human in close proximity of me and absorb the info into their skin thus causing a chain reaction of hot gossip!
Damnit.
Oh they are good. Sad. Relieving. Good.
Must not tell. No leaks.
I'm going to be like a good solid super size Kotex and just keep the info in for as long as I'm required.

trust.

2007-05-21T17:06:00.000-07:00

FUNNY

how things change in such a short time.
No boyfriend. He smelled and was too hairy and stupid. Things you realize later.

Single. happy.
Focused on work, being super Cheer Mom, super Girl Scout Co-leader mom, and awesome friend.

going to write more when I have more time. I just needed to relog in and send a brief.

2006-11-15T10:14:00.000-08:00

a new boy

not really a new boy. a boy i dated briefly in high school. reconnected after 20 years. it appears perfect timing. we met and had instant chemistry. seeing eachother again. exciting.

2006-11-10T13:49:00.000-08:00

What a freak!

I am. I just read what I wrote below...holy shit am I going through "the change" ?? what's with the crazy ramblings?

i'm in love
i'm a whore

hahahaha.....

i love being me.

2006-11-10T12:55:00.000-08:00

Life moves fast

So my one love tells me he's discussed separation with the wife. After the holidays he'll be looking to buy his own house. Then save the money to come out here. Seems so unromantic for him to come out here as opposed to me going there. California seems so much dirtier than crisp ole' England Then again, dirty is my middle name. Off to the Riviera Adult motel we go.
I love him. It makes me sick. And he loves me. So weird after all this time. 16 years. He's so beautiful.
My plan. Wait until he's moved out on his own. Then travel to go visit him up there. That way there is no sneaking around. I want to go up there, but I'd stay with my friends who absolutely couldn't know. They know the attraction we have for one another and there's no hiding from them. Yes, good plan. wait until he's moved out. its all exciting in my head.

but back to reality. back to my crush on an unhappily married man here...now...what is it about me that's attracted to men trapped in miserable marriages. more on that later... actually, i have time. my vendor. yahoo...gives me personal attention. I get what I want with a wink and a smile. he likes it. oh he's tall. so tall and blonde. a man, if you will. what i wouldn't give for this man to shove me down on the conference room table and press check the hell out of me. I'm sexually tormented. my imagination and porn can only take me so far. Im in a phase where I want to be a big ol' whore and just have random sex and get it out my system. (Note: i haven't had sex with another person in well over a year...i'm expiring) its a thought, but I won't act on such a thought.

2006-10-19T11:02:00.000-07:00

Love

I love Gary Ward. I've loved Gary Ward since 1991. He's English. Lives in England. Married, although unhappily. Wasn't married when we fell in love with eachother, life goes on. Children, yes two. He loves me too. He has always loved me but is stuck in England being a successful lawyer in a loveless marriage. I love him. Is the reason I can't have lasting relationships? Is he the reason I subconsciously intentionlly devote myself to relationships doomed to fail? Don't know. I do know that I love being in love with the unattainable.

2006-10-13T16:18:00.000-07:00

True its Friday the 13th.

What's so scary about it? Well, I've been bored out of my mind at work today...THAT can't be good.
Nothing exciting is happening in my life right now...I can't even think of anything exciting to make up.
um...lets see, I'm going to dinner tonight at one of my favorite places with one of my favorite people...Melting Pot with Kristi....oh the cheese ...oh the chocolate...now THAT'S scary...all those delicious calories just begging to go in my body...joy. all of it, pure joy.
I have a skull ring on right now, and THAT'S kinda scary. ( I left my bracelet o' bones in the car)
I got my hair cut today and it looks, for lack of a cooler word...pretty. PRETTY HAIR? Since when have I had pretty hair? Short black dirty and spikey....yes...but pretty? no. until now.
lot's of rambling going on here. Is is apparent i'm trying to kill time until my dinner tonight? Holdy shit...4 more hours. I'm going to go jump out the window now.....

scary.

2006-07-25T14:33:00.000-07:00

Happiness is:

Having a slow work day.
Catching up on filing and getting papers in order.
Drinking a diet Dr. Pepper.
Listening to Andy Gibb on my iTunes.

2006-07-22T21:13:00.000-07:00

It's so f*cking hot!!!!

OMG....just sitting in my house roasting. Went to a movie today just for some air...crappy movie (My super ex girlfriend) don't bother. Took the kid and a friend to Hometown Buffet...no air conditioning in there! what? i know. So now I'm full of crappy food...there's a storm coming and I wish it would just rain in my house. *sweating* and its 9:30 at night. What is happening? i know some people have it worse....Arizona (that's a given)...Mojave (monsoon? jeez) I feel like I'm losing pounds by the minutes...would feel like more if I wasn't drinking a nice cold Corona...defeats the purpose I know.

Will it end? Will it end soon? Lord I hope so.

2006-07-07T10:38:00.000-07:00

Been so busy....

Now I'm going to Dallas on my first travel press check. Texas. Me? Ya I'm nervous, I get lost in my own neighborhood.
Changing planes? I think I can do that...Denver airport is big, I heard.
Money? company AMEX and petty cash. Say no more.
Solitude? Sure, I welcome it.
The Work? All I need are my proofs and PMS chips, I'm set.

Leaving Monday back Wednesday night.
miss me.

2006-05-17T14:32:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah!
By the way, I didn't mention here that I got my huge promotion!
Way more responsiblity....way more math...fractions...and way more money!
I'm so nervous, happy and nervous all in one!

I'm a manager, it says so on my business cards!

Rockin!

2006-04-20T10:59:00.000-07:00

It's 4/20.

and for most people it means tokin on a doobie.

for me it means, getting things wire-o bound, picking up the laminated cards, affixing velcro to back of laminated cards, mocking up a complete binder, mocking up a complete planner...it means worrying about things like: will the press passes turn out okay? will the t-shirts turn out okay? if they're not okay I don't have time to fix it. Do we have everything for the gift bags? Do we have bubble wrap? Where are the boxes? Will I make Fed Ex? I just paid 3$ for a gallon of gas! Who's going to buy me lunch? I see this change order, do I sign it? Who does it go to? The company better let me expense my cell phone, my charges are double!
i'm hungry. i'm fat. what's this on my chin? Almost 37 and still breaking out? Thanks God, you're funny. Christine has a birthday coming. Aaaah...to be 32 again...or is she 33? To me she'll always be 25. I miss her. I better call her for an Olde ship run...soon. soon.

i'm all over the place and instead of writing here I should be working!!!

i'm working.

I have to go now to pick up my laminated cards....

2006-03-27T15:22:00.000-08:00

Promotion

It's in my future.
I have my office.
I have new business cards (that I ordered)
I have a poem:

waves are turning
butter is churning
children are yearning
i am burning...to make more earning!!!!!

woo hoo!!!

2006-02-23T13:01:00.000-08:00

Can't

write now. too busy moving into my new office!

word!

2006-02-07T16:37:00.000-08:00

2 quick comments.

I'm still really busy but wanted to comment on two great things I've seen:

1. Movie- "Crash". Powerful, heartwrenching, tough at times, overall...enjoyed!
2. Concert- "Coldplay". Breathtaking.

2006-01-17T17:08:00.000-08:00

I'm so busy

I have no time to write

Working towards a promotion

I just might be able to afford new clothes this year

2006-01-03T14:03:00.000-08:00

Back

11 days off work...any time off never seems long enough.

2005-12-21T15:04:00.000-08:00

Almost done!

I can't even begin to describe the company christmas party.
I can't go into detail, I've repeated it too many times, each time with huge laughter!
In a nutshell, if anyone watches "The Office", the christmas party episode...it was kind of like that. We had Secret Santa. Everyone buys a personal gift for that name they drew. I drew one of the bosses, let's call him "Jim". Now I know Jim has a sweet tooth and loves the lottery so all week long I spoil him with candy's on his desk, lottery scratchers and little whatnots. Everyone else is going on and on about their treats everyday for a week.
i got nothing.
Day of the luncheon, everyone yapping about the cookies, and treats their secret santa left...Jim even chimes in saying he had the best Secret Santa. (pat on back)
Time for presents. Round and round they all go, each person getting a lovely personalized gift chosen especially for them. "John" got a gorgeous frame to put his college diploma in, "John" got a starbucks and an Itunes card, "Jane" got a personalized mousepad of her fav pop singer and photo albums, "Jane" got special notecards and desk goodies, "Jane" got a book she wanted, "Jane" got a Starbucks card. Now its down to me and "Jim". So I immediatley think 'ok, well maybe I didn't get any goodies because he really thought about a nice gift for me, after all we've been working together for 7 years now, yeah that's it'. So I hand him my gift to him, I loaded a bag of big movie sized candy boxes, 15 different kinds, old movie dvds, and lottery scratchers. Oh he loved it. So overjoyed. I was pleased.
My turn.
He hands me his bag. Here it comes, time for greatness.....
5 airline bottles of booze...kinds I don't even drink, except for one vodka. please?
oh and ...a mechanical Santa dressed as a rapper, squeeze his hand and he sings a christmas version of "get jiggy wit it". you heard me.
I was mortified. Of course, you shake it off and laugh with everyone else and thank him graciously, but inside...nothing. That's what I'm worth.
Come to find out, he forgot about secret santa and ran out at lunch to the liquor store to 'pick me up something'.
Please? That's what you came up with? how about scratchers? big bottle of vodka? cigarettes? or even a card with a$20. I could always use cash. damn.

happy holidays.
11 glorious days off starting Friday.

2005-12-20T16:07:00.000-08:00

2 more days

so long. days so long.

2005-12-14T11:43:00.000-08:00

8 more days

Until I'm on Christmas vacation. Thank the Lord.
I'm so slammed at work, and overwhelmed (slightly) with what I have left to buy, I can't sleep.
My mind spins, wanders, stays awake.
(dear Jesus, please don't let me get sick like last year. Thanks. your friend. Quel. Amen)
Rest, relaxation, late nights wrapping presents by the tree, drinking wine coolers, having and going to parties. It's glorious.
I feel as if I have a million things to say, but can't think of a single thing to write.
damn.

2005-12-05T11:40:00.000-08:00

My recommendation for the week!

If you’re like me, and you’re office is like an ice box may I recommend LEG WARMERS, yes I said Leg warmers.
I know, its warm outside, but your workspace is cold and normally space heaters are a hazard, and blanket at your desk is just awkward…a pure, simple way to warm yourself up…

Leg Warmers. I swear it works.

Example: today I have on a cute skirt with sweater…but oooooh, my legs were cold, therefore making me cold. I found some leg warmers and ex-employee gave me years ago, in my drawer. True, they’re red, white and blue striped (Not the fashion colors one would choose, however) I slipped them on my chilly calves, and booyah! Warmth.

My co-workers are jealous, I can tell by their whispering and snickering…jealous!

So suffer no more!

no need to shiver,
no need to quiver,
when you want to be bold,
and beat that cold,
what your body begs,
are warmers on your legs!

Peace out!

2005-11-28T16:08:00.000-08:00

Oh the Holidays!

4 days off for Thanksgiving.
A festival of shopping, eating, drinking, movies, and cleaning for the next round of holiday festivities.

11 days off for Christmas/New Years.
I can't wait!
Oh the Christmas lights, the smell of logs on the fire, crisp air, snowball fights in Santa Ana next Sunday, aroma of pine from our real tree, the sound of tape snapping as I'm wrapping presents at 1am on Christmas eve....oh the good times that are going to be had.

2005-11-22T16:19:00.001-08:00

The Fact Is:

I like to smoke.
I just cut back to 2 a day, and that's 2 as in 2 sticks, not packs.
Big deal, cutting back from 4 to 2....wow, what a smoker.
yahoo!

2005-11-17T12:08:00.000-08:00

12:08 pm PST

Thursday:

why does my chest hurt? wtf?
it would figure that I would stop smoking, THEN have a heart attack or get the cancer or some shit.

you know it.

2005-11-17T09:37:00.000-08:00

9:37 am PST

Captains Log: Thursday.

2 cups of coffee
peanut butter on wheat sandwich
no smoking
trail mix to come
have already spent too much money in past 3 days.
must slow down.
need things to do.

2005-11-16T10:42:00.000-08:00

Day 3

No big deal so far, as long as I have healthy snacks and water.
Daughter hasn't noticed yet.
I've done extensive shopping.
I will color my hair.
I burned my tongue on hot coffee.
I bit my my cheek.
I feel as if I have A.D.D.

where's my trail mix?
:)

2005-11-14T15:31:00.001-08:00

Quitter

I will quit smoking.
As of today, no more buying packs or smoking alone at home cuz I'm bored.

I can already feel the overwhelming preoccupation....

2005-11-11T08:58:00.000-08:00

True it's early, but I'm loving today!

It's friday. I've decided to not worry about anything. It's a beautiful day, sunny with white puffy clouds, crips breezes. I have a fun delicious dinner planned with two of my best friends. Fondue away~
...okay, boss just walked in...thought he was out today...*breathe*, it's okay, it's not going to bother me. Just look across the aisle, through the office I should be in, out the window at the beautiful sky...think about the tasty cuisine tonight, the ever-so-delicious carmel/appletini's...aaaaaand...I'm at peace.

2005-11-02T13:35:00.000-08:00

So it's Wednesday

and I'm a bundle of mixed emotions.

I'm really excited for the holidays. I'm preparing things early. Planning. Buying early. Feels good.
Job is good. Secure. I might actually get an office soon. One manager suggested it to my boss, and he said 'uh, yeah we could do that'. so maybe.

Now I'm also living in fear, and I don't like that. I'm not in fear of my life or anything but I live in constant fear of my living situation.
My sister is going to get married next year and will move out. There goes that security.
My fab friend and roommate says she's not going anywhere and that's a comfort, but she will want to start her life (babies and whatnot) soon, and that's awesome, and then she'll leave.

I fear I won't get the additional roommates I want to move in because of timing issues.

I don't like being afraid of moving. I hate moving. I love where I live. I can't afford to live in my own place. It's too expensive out here and I'm raising a kid alone with no financial help and it scares me. I know a million people do it, but I don't know how.
I know the universe has its own way of working and I know that worrying does nobody any good because what's going to happen will happen regardless. I know that every unexpected change is a new adventure and shouldn't be feared because its not always a bad thing.
I'm rambling.

bottom line: I don't want to move. I can't afford to live anywhere else. I wouldn't know any other people to move in and who's to say the landlords would even let them.
I know I would never end up on the street, my family would never let that happen, then again...I don't want to have to depend on anyone else...but I do...and damnit I fucking hate that.

*sigh*

its stressful.

I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I knew my mom wasn't planning on selling her house.

2005-11-01T15:03:00.000-08:00

It's just Tuesday, man.

i've got the vertigo today. what the hell?

My Pessimism: nothing special today except the reminder that Christmas is right around the corner and I've got to squeeze another cost-efficient holiday out of my pocket.
okay, so i can make my candy again, the people do looove the candy, but with the cost of the ingredients and my time, it pretty much evens out to everyone getting damn plasma tv.
all right, so I may be a bit dramatic on that one.
Truth is, i'm a terrible gift giver. I've resorted to just having people tell me what you want, because if I have to use my own judgement...i will fail.
Dad doesn't really need a flowered frame. Mom doesn't need another pair of slippers. Sister doesn't need a sparkly blue belt with stars cut out.
Just tell me what you want, if I can afford it, you'll get it...otherwise its the candy for you, matey! yaaaar!

Optimism: its a time of giving and I like to give, I want to give the best, I want to give something people will appreciate. Everyone appreciates Victoria Secret.

Happiness is drinking Melon Splash wine coolers while sitting by the fire in the fireplace watching Survivor. aaaah....winter.

well, that was a bunch of crap rambling, wasn't it? word up!

i'm dizzy

2005-10-28T15:46:00.000-07:00

Friday oh Friday how I love you so!!!!

Day almost over.
Waiting to go to Tonia's for drinks.
Martini's and fondue for me.

yes, that's a haiku.
I think.
3, 5, 7? or is it 5,7,5? I googled and checked, I never got a straight answer.

Anyway.

2005-10-24T12:43:00.000-07:00

Things about me today.

-I colored my hair (black), good color but I need a cut.
-I watched Million Dollar Baby this weekend, it was good but too hyped up for me. "oh you'll love the ending...ooooh". um..it was okay, I didn't cry. (yes, I have a soul)
-I just ate a turkey burger and it was delicious.
-My face is breaking out, hello? I'm almost 40 for Cripes sake!
-It's cold outside (CA- about 65 degrees F) brrr...can't wait to go home, light a fire and drink a wine cooler.
-Gotta carve pumpkins tonight.
-Gotta eat my carmel apple tonight (after I work out, of course)
-I love Netflix.
-I like to wear my chenille scarf, with a sweater, pants and flip flops! I love CA.
-My day is long.
-I love love love my new sheets!
-I'm watching Family Guy season 2 dvd set...flippin hilarious!
-I need crock pot fixins

I really don't have much going on. I like it that way for the winter.

2005-10-19T13:18:00.000-07:00

Wednesday and I'm passive.

I'm always passive until it gets out of control.
I got praised high for my work on the printed pieces, for dealing with a numbskull vendor and for following through. *sigh*
Reminds me of the boyfriend I had 10 years ago, I call him Crackhead George.
C.G. used to verbally abuse me, throw things at me, try to throw me out of his house, and hit me on occasion....but then he'd come to me the next day or so, hand me a Snickers bar, apologize and everything would be ok...until the next time.

Am I seeing a pattern here?

2005-10-17T10:21:00.000-07:00

Monday: *sigh*

So my boss responds to my response regarding his correspondence from "thursday" and says he didn't mean for me to see that email. He sent it and tried to delete it from my computer and apologized for his insensitivity. uh..okay.

Doesn't change the fact that he's still complaining about my hours...hello? I say, I don't get a lot of billable hours (its always bill bill bill everyone, make money!) , my position doesn't require a lot of billable time...."Oh you're billable time isn't the concern its overall hours. You're only working the minimun 8.5 hours a day"...huh? what? isn't that the legal amount of time? I always stay over if I'm needed, otherwise yeah...my job only requires me to be there 8.5 hours a day! Are you fucking kidding me? Who does this a-hole think he is?

I'm updating my resume.

2005-10-14T12:50:00.000-07:00

T.G.I.F.....I think not.

So I work in advertising. Medical advertising. I'm a traffic 'supervisor' without the supervisor title. Just another thing that's dangled in front of me year after year...a title. I've been here 6 years, it'll be 7 in February. I've been working and learning the art of Production Management. For those of you not in the know...Production managers are responsible for estimating and the final printed pieces that are produced..ie- brochures, folders, etc. Its a big responsibility. I'm new at it, and learn stuff as I go. Well...cut to the chase, we've decided to use this newly recommended print vendor for a 3 piece print job for a new client. ok. This is the first press check I will be doing all by myself. I'm nervous.
Vendor says: expect to be here on press Wednesday around 8am. Great.
Wednesday: he calls, its going to be later......I call him back around 3pm...its going to be later....he calls me at 8pm at home...its going to be midnight. great. just fucking great.
I head up to Commerce at 11:30 pm with my best girl asleep by my side (cuz who wants to go to Commerce alone?) Get there......work until all these pieces are good....I head home around 8:30 am (yes I said AM)...I did my first press check all alone, inexperienced, nervous and to the best of my ability at 4am. I called my office at 8:30 am, told the receptionist to have my boss call me when he gets in and if i'm needed badly, I will come in. No one called me. So I slept. I deal with my useless vendor later in the afternoon, because he decided to bump my job for something else, "sorry, its not your fault" I have to tell him "you better find a way to get it done by Wednesday (Not Friday) it's not my fault and our client shouldn't have to suffer". I'm all over it. On top of being extremely nervous about the job I did, hoping its approved and liked by everyone. It made me almost throw up.
I get into work, the Art Director loves the press sheets (samples) I brought back. good job.
My boss isn't here today, but he did leave me a nice email which I will post for you now:

Sent: Thursday, October 13, 2005 12:09 PM
To: Raquel Subject: ThursdayRaquel:
I appreciate your working last night to get the "xx" brochure done. As you move into roles of greater responsibility I need you to understand that working late one night does not exclude you from being here the next day. I am sure you are tired. But as a salaried employee and someone who has ambitions for rising in this organization, it is my expectation that you work overtime when I need you to. Our monthly reports show you to be working the absolute minimum number of hours expected. This is not what needs to be happening for you to achieve your career and financial goals at LMW. Today, K.S. is mounting boards because A.B. is out at a photo shoot. That is keeping K.S. from working on "xx". Everyone is running around doing whatever it takes to make it happen here because Medicis is in town and we have tremendous needs today. You should be here. C

I should throw up because this email is the biggest bunch of bullshit I've read. I'm the least appreciated person in this office. Nevermind the fact I'm a single mom and I make exceptions to do things above and beyond my normal work, the fact that I've been promised [the empty] office across from me for years, to no avail, the fact that I've learned so much and get compensated so little.

"You're doing great, but..." or "your effort is appreciate, however..."

I hate it. I constantly feel taken advantage of.
boyfriend took advantage of me.
vendor just took advantage of me.
work constantly takes advantage of me.

I'm so frustrated. I want to quit.

2005-10-06T10:43:00.000-07:00

The conclusion:

After this blog, never again with the afore mentioned dude be brougt up ever again. The ending went like this:
There was to be an exchange of goods, his guns, cd's, etc for my classic records. That's all I wanted. My best friend was going to be the go-between, so she arranged a time for him to come to her place to pick up his junk and return my stuff.
He shows up (late) , she hands him all of his stuff and asks him "where's the records?", he smirks and says "I don't have them, they're gone" and hands her $40.00. um...okay.
Doesn't return anything, and was not nice about it. WTF? He broke up with me and he's got an attitude? Well, needless to say the conclusion to this is he must've sold the records for cash way earlier, or decided I was only worth $40 and kept them. Thus, proving his selfishness and gutlessness and making me even more thankful he broke up with me, because he was right...I can do waaay better than him. Even solitude is better than dealing with someone of that low standard. He showed no decency, therefore will not be remembered fondly or for that matter, be remembered at all. I'm so over the whole thing, I feel revived! Revived with $40 to go out drinking tomorrow night!

2005-09-29T11:25:00.000-07:00

Break stuff

I want to break stuff. I want to smash glass. I want to break windows. I want to break everything I ever gave him that may still be sitting in his apartment. I hate him for not being decent enough to respond about giving me back my stuff. Okay, so I can forgo my stuff...he's got some kick-ass records of mine...and he's so selfish he's probably not going to respond to me just so he can keep them. pussy.

However...he left two guns at my house. guns. shotgun and a rifle. I've got a daughter and a nephew that live in my house. I want the guns out. O.U.T.

I want so bad to just call him and say "Saturday, come and get these guns....bring my records and $$$ or I'm throwing your shit out and taking the guns to the p.d.". I want to do that so bad....but I won't. I will resist. Because I'm angry. You should never do anything while you're angry. I'm not being a pussy or nice about it...like "well, do I really want to destroy his things..he might get mad"...uh no! I could give a shit how he feels. I could give less than a shit.

breathe.

55 more days. no contact with him (giving or receiving) for 55 more days. tick tock tick tock.

I'm in serious "he-tox" right now. I hate it. I hate him. I'm so mad. Plus I'm getting sick and that's not helping. I'm irrational. I should've called in sick...but then what? lay around my room and think evil thoughts? no. not good.

patience. learning patience. maturity.

2005-09-28T10:21:00.000-07:00

Healing:

okay. So I'm better. I've read Amiira and Greg's new book, I've talked with my friends, and learned a few things.

Epiphany: he didn't want to work hard at a job, he was always looking for the easy solution, he didn't take responsibility for anything, so why am I surprised he gave up on this relationship so quickly? I guess I'm not. I realize, he really did do me a favor.

Tony Robbins says: surround yourself with people at your own level or above you that you admire and aspire to be like and learn from.

He was not one of those people, unless I aspire to be lazy, sick, broke and stoned all the time.

I will waste no more time or tears feeling sad. I'm free now to move on to better things.

I'm kick-ass!

2005-09-26T10:06:00.000-07:00

The Breakup

the man i wrote about that I love so much....doesn't want to be with me anymore. I'm hearbroken. Detstroyed. Devastated.

Out of nowhere...no warning.

He promised me when he moved to LA nothing would change because he loves me...that was a mere 1.5 months ago.

Says he loves me and the breakup is in my best interest...that I deserve someone who can give me the things I need, the time to devote to a real relationship....WHAT? Thanks but don't tell me what I need. I want you. It was working fine for me. It's you, not me.

Friday night: I'll come over after work, we can go out to dinner, I love you.
Saturday: I've been thinking about this for awhile, the relationship isn't working.

omg. I wanted to die. I haven't felt this much pain in almost a decade.

It still hurts. I know it will get better. but I miss him and I still love him.....I just want it all to go away now.....

2005-09-14T14:02:00.000-07:00

I can't express enough how much I love my boyfriend. I love everything about him. He's sweet....attentive ..... and super hot....and he loves me!!! he...loves...me! That's crazy and fabulous! Oh God...I can't get enough of him.

2005-09-13T12:37:00.000-07:00

I'm super sensitive today. Not sure why. I miss my boyfriend. Had a bad dream last night about him, he dumped me for some cute young chicks...yes that was plural.
No, I don't fear that happening, I trust him, which is why I don't know I dreamt that.
I don't fear anything, really... shit happens whether you want it to or not, so I take things as they come and deal with them then.
I haven't been sleeping well. Not sure why? Well maybe I am...my sister's finally going to marry the man of her dreams...my nephews dad. Thank God! So I'm happy about that, but I think subconciously stressed about "what's going to happen to me?". We've lived together for 5 years and share a lot of things...I'll be on my own...its scary...even for being 36, its scary.
My mom is going to sell her house..the house I grew up in. She's going to move away to Washington or something for a while. Home-base gone. That's scary. I sound like a teenager about to go out on my own...but I'm not. I'm almost 40 for Christ's sake. (sidebar-I still look gooood)
My daughter is finally becoming able to speak her mind about her absent father. We had a huuuge long emotional discussion last night about him. She impressed me with her conversation. Aware he's not responsible enough to take care of her, aware she doesn't really want him here she just misses not having a dad, aware enough that she doesn't want to call him even though she knows now that i have his number. She's smart. She's telling me how she sticks up for herself when other kids at school question/tease her about not having a dad. (Kids are cruel...I used to be one)
Its all so draining.

I'm Gemini...I have a hard time accepting change, especially when it happens so quickly.

So I'm weeping on the way to work just filled with so much joy about my sister!
So I'm angry that my kid feels she's missing out on something by not having a dad.
So I'm emotional and semi-jealous cuz the lesbians who live below my boyfriend get to spend more time with him than I do. (trust me, not jealous of them...just the time they get with my man)

So I've written this all down.
I've expelled. I feel a bit better.
Someone will read it and maybe relate to it, if not...at least someone knows what I'm feeling.

peace out.

2005-09-09T12:39:00.000-07:00

I've been reading other peoples' blogs and I've come to a realization...I'm not a good blogger. I guess I don't have a real passion for writing. I don't have any personal drama happening. I feel terrible about what's happening in the Gulf Port..but others have already written and said what I have to say.
Does anybody read this anyway? Its like writing into empty space.
I have opinions but do you care?
I have thoughts but do you care?
I have dreams but do you care?

What's the point really?
I do like to comment on others' blogs, they KNOW how to write.

Am I bored with myself?

2005-08-18T15:43:00.000-07:00

p.s.

I fucking rule.
This I know!

2005-08-18T15:41:00.000-07:00

Not in love today:

Boyfriend hurt.
Boyfriend on vicodins.
Boyfriend said disrespectful things to me.
Boyfriend has not called yet to apologize.
Boyfriend still has more chances.

2005-08-05T15:53:00.000-07:00

‘This too shall pass”

No matter what is happening, it will eventually give way to something else. Try to hold on to an experience, and you will lose it. Try to make it go, and it will cling to you. Allow it to be with you for its right time, and you will enjoy it or learn from it. Trust that you will have everything you need for the right amount of time. When it leaves, assume it is departing to make way for something better.

it's just a little something I read...and try to abide by. (key word...try)

2005-08-04T14:10:00.000-07:00

Gotta let it out!

Since all my friends are probably tired of hearing me talk about my boyfriend, where else to write exactly how I feel exactly when I'm feeling it, but here?

I am soo in love with Curtis is makes me dizzy!!! He's the best thing to happen to me in 8 years!!! He's the perfect man for me!! He loves me!! He's nice to me!! I miss him every minute I'm not with him!!

anyway....I love Curtis.

thanks for listening.

2005-07-22T10:15:00.000-07:00

Radio Story:

listening to STAR 98.7 flashback lunch hour with Richard Blade for a second and I heard this:

Richard- what can I play for you?
Caller (girl)- Can I hear 'There's a light that never goes out" from The Smiths?
Richard- sure...um...how old are you?
Caller- I'm 10
Richard- If I may ask, how do you know this song?
Caller- Its not for me, its for my parents...they play that song loud all the time and dance around the house. They wanted me to call.

so dope.
For those of us who have kids that age and try to influence them with the music of our day... mad props!

In influence my 7 year old girl with:
The Smiths
Tears for Fears
Guns N Roses
Erasure
Alanis
Coldplay
Psychadelic Furs
Adam Ant
U2
ABC
Spandau Ballet

you got to mix a little new with the old.

Lord know, I've got the James Taylor, Steely Dan, Eagles, Journey, Carole King in my collection. Thanks mom and dad.

2005-07-12T14:21:00.000-07:00

Purging is encouraging!!!!

I encourage anyone to get rid of anything in your life that's taking up space. what you may think is useless space is actually very useful once you dump the crap. Do you really need those old wedding albums of your first marriage 15 years ago? no. shred it. Do you really need old Junior high newspapers from when you were in 7, 8 and 9th (yes, 9th back in the day) that you weren't even in? no. dump it. Do you really need that pair of sandals that, although are adorable, don't fit because one side is stretched out? no. donate it.
Aaaaah...so cleansing. So refreshing.
Now I have room for new crap.

2005-06-20T12:08:00.000-07:00

I feel like a 24 year old trapped in a....slightly older body.