I feel like its been a hundred years since I've written anything. Apparently its been a year. And I have absolutely no idea as to what secrets I was keeping a year ago. Goes to show you, that I'm a good secret keeper because, well, I can't remember anything.

It's another Tuesday

Secrets oh man, the secrets. Hope someone cracks soon so I can let these babies fly!

20 year high school reunion is right around the corner. Next weekend. How did that happen? Wasn't it just 3 years away? Wasn't I younger then? Crap. What am I gonna do with these people? I'm gonna drink that's what I'm gonna do. I predict I'll be there in my cute black party dress and leopard shoes (yeah, that's how I roll), vodka in one hand, smoke in the other just staring... I expect to hear "Omg you haven't changed at all!" uh yea I have. Or I expect to hear this " *crickets*".
Why do we go to these things? What's the point? Didn't I leave this high school due to the year of torment I went through? Why am I going? What do I have to prove? *Sigh*
I'm going because I'm a positive person. I'm outgoing. I'm ready to party. I have great friends that I am dying to see again! Depsite the humiliation of high school...I turned ok. yeah, about 20lbs heavier, but I'm tall...and my dress covers up the extra goodies!
I really am looking forward to it. The best part? Yeah, the best part is the hotel it's at is literally one block away from my house so I can always walk home! Rock it!

Torture

it's torturous when people tell you secrets that you absolutely MUST keep a secret. I'm sitting on some doozies that I'm sworn to not tell. Can't write about them. Not even allowed to really think hard about them for fear the molecules will emit out of my brain and transfer to another human in close proximity of me and absorb the info into their skin thus causing a chain reaction of hot gossip!
Damnit.
Oh they are good. Sad. Relieving. Good.
Must not tell. No leaks.
I'm going to be like a good solid super size Kotex and just keep the info in for as long as I'm required.

trust.

FUNNY


how things change in such a short time.
No boyfriend. He smelled and was too hairy and stupid. Things you realize later.

Single. happy.
Focused on work, being super Cheer Mom, super Girl Scout Co-leader mom, and awesome friend.

going to write more when I have more time. I just needed to relog in and send a brief.

a new boy


not really a new boy. a boy i dated briefly in high school. reconnected after 20 years. it appears perfect timing. we met and had instant chemistry. seeing eachother again. exciting.

What a freak!

I am. I just read what I wrote below...holy shit am I going through "the change" ?? what's with the crazy ramblings?

i'm in love
i'm a whore

hahahaha.....


i love being me.

Life moves fast


So my one love tells me he's discussed separation with the wife. After the holidays he'll be looking to buy his own house. Then save the money to come out here. Seems so unromantic for him to come out here as opposed to me going there. California seems so much dirtier than crisp ole' England Then again, dirty is my middle name. Off to the Riviera Adult motel we go.
I love him. It makes me sick. And he loves me. So weird after all this time. 16 years. He's so beautiful.
My plan. Wait until he's moved out on his own. Then travel to go visit him up there. That way there is no sneaking around. I want to go up there, but I'd stay with my friends who absolutely couldn't know. They know the attraction we have for one another and there's no hiding from them. Yes, good plan. wait until he's moved out. its all exciting in my head.

but back to reality. back to my crush on an unhappily married man here...now...what is it about me that's attracted to men trapped in miserable marriages. more on that later... actually, i have time. my vendor. yahoo...gives me personal attention. I get what I want with a wink and a smile. he likes it. oh he's tall. so tall and blonde. a man, if you will. what i wouldn't give for this man to shove me down on the conference room table and press check the hell out of me. I'm sexually tormented. my imagination and porn can only take me so far. Im in a phase where I want to be a big ol' whore and just have random sex and get it out my system. (Note: i haven't had sex with another person in well over a year...i'm expiring) its a thought, but I won't act on such a thought.

Love

I love Gary Ward. I've loved Gary Ward since 1991. He's English. Lives in England. Married, although unhappily. Wasn't married when we fell in love with eachother, life goes on. Children, yes two. He loves me too. He has always loved me but is stuck in England being a successful lawyer in a loveless marriage. I love him. Is the reason I can't have lasting relationships? Is he the reason I subconsciously intentionlly devote myself to relationships doomed to fail? Don't know. I do know that I love being in love with the unattainable.